I guess it's kind of tough because people from my boarding school are spending their lives being asked to attend colleges. I always knew they were the girls who were really going to Be Something, diplomats and such, but I used to be one of those girls and now I'm thrilled to be getting paid $13.46 an hour, getting A's on papers for an introductory English class at a city college. I can't compare myself to those girls -- I've never had a desire to visit New Zealand, let alone live there -- but it's difficult to feel like I'm doing so well and others are doing better. It doesn't make me want to work harder. It makes me want to give up.
It's just a disappointing day because I woke up to gloom with a rash on my foot and was not able to spend the day giggling in bed.
I had an appointment with an optometrist the other day and I have perfect vision. The problem isn't in my eyes; it's in my head. Things change color and I lose chunks of time, finding myself in places and not knowing quite how I got there, and see things that aren't there, things move when I look at them, and it doesn't matter how much or little sleep I get. It's just something I deal with, reassuring myself that this is normal, refusing to ask if anyone else has this, uh, problem lest I'm the only one.
At any given moment, I'm in three places at once, relating the current predicament to memories and contemplating where I need to be in three hours and in three days and what I could be doing right then in addition to what I'm already doing.
I like to keep busy not because I like that sense of accomplishment; I keeps me from thinking too much, if I'm lucky, and if I'm not, it helps me sleep at night. I may not be giving you everything I have, but I don't have a lot to give anyway.
Raise your hand if you hate ambiguous entries!
It doesn't mean anything to me either.
one year ago today: "but the misinterpretation made her laugh." and "No one can hate you as much as you may hate yourself, because no one knows exactly what a horrible person you are." and "yesterday, it was all too appropriate when aaron said, 'oh, and there was a condom in your purse.'" two years ago today: "i think most situations are less what they actually are and more what you make of them." three years ago today: nothin.