In boarding school, I told my best friend Cary that I thought depression was something you could help. Like, you chose to be depressed.
And then I left boarding school and went on a three-year self-pitying martyr-ade.
My therapist in high school once told me he thought I was clinically depressed and we might want to consider drugs. �No,� I practically screamed, �it�s situationational.�
Two years later, I was begging my college�s psychiatrist for drugs.
I was trying to think last night about when I felt happiest. I feel happiest when I feel powerful and in control, but it takes me a long time to get to that point and then one bad thing will happen and I will be back to square one: a puddle of self-loathing.
I�m happiest when I feel content with what I have, when there�s seemingly nothing left to achieve, when I can cross everything off my to-do list.
That�s why I never clean: it�s something that�s always going to be on my to-do list, and I�m afraid to be that happy.
I�m happy when I think of all the great things I could be, because it reminds me of when I was little and na�ve and thought all those things were possible.
I�m happy until I start thinking about happiness. I can be dancing my heart out until I think about what I�m doing � then I�m just self-conscious.
I think that�s why I smoked pot for so long. It made it that much easier to stop thinking. Then, there comes a time when you have to learn how to turn off the thoughts yourself.
One time, Joanna told me, �You know what our problem is? We think too much.� At the time, I didn�t think that was a problem. I still don�t think it�s a problem, really�I just need to start thinking the right things. Instead of, �Why is this fun?� I need to think, �Wow, this is fun!�
I�ve been overanalyzing for so long, I don�t know how there could possibly be another way. I think (hah) that�s why I love Aaron so much�his thought process is simpler, but he still understands me when I go off about something.
one year ago today: nothin two years ago today: � if you mean worst as in the best, hell yeah!� three years ago today: nothing.