Sometimes, I'll be on the verge of something great, but then I'll just be all like, "Eh, I'm gonna watch tv."
While reading more about Google's IPO and seeing the billions of dollars the creators are about to make, I thought about how great it would be if they each went up to one person on the street and asked what they need to make them happy, and somehow, with some of those billions of dollars, they could make it happen. And then I thought, if they were asking me what would make me happy, I would say, "I want my boyfriend to not have to work a job he hates." And then I almost started crying at work because that's what I really want...for him to be happy (and, in turn, to make me happy) and gainfully unemployed.
And I've been thinking about if I struck it rich, I would make it so my daddy could do the things he likes to do (golf, ski patrol) without feeling guilty about not doing the things he doesn't like to do (working, paying my rent).
And how if I had money right now, I would want to start having kids, because it would be easier to have kids if money weren't a factor.
And how all I really want is for the people around me to be happy, because the reason I work so much is so that Aaron doesn't have to work so much, so that my parents don't have to give me so much money, so that he'll be happier even if it means destroying myself. I like to think that I use a lot of my energy making the lives of those around me easier.
And how it's because I find satisfaction in making a martyr of myself, which is so selfish.
And how, even though my dad's the one who fucked up, I'm angry at my mom, because my dad can't help it, but my mom can handle it.
And how my relationship is the same way: Aaron can't help it, but I can handle it, and that's ok for me right now.
I just wish money weren't a factor in so much of this.
And how I'm just so sad all the time again.
Also: sometimes you just have to take your chubbiness and own it, with your lowrise jeans and your belly-baring shirt. This is my buddha belly, and you better damn well love it.
I once said that I can't drive over bridges without being tempted to drive off them. Because I don't have bridges anymore, I can't be two floors up without wondering what would happen if I jumped. Is that a compulsion? I get the same voice that forced me to participate in middle school telling me, "Just jump." From "Just get up there and ask him to dance," to "Just jump." Is that normal?
one year ago today: "wouldn't it be more interesting to have a show called extreme therapy, where we observe the gradual increase or decrease of sanity?" two years ago today: "i went to long's to get my rx filled and ended up almost crying while looking through the fucking hallmark cards. if this does not prove just how unstable i am, i don't know what does. fuck you, sentiment." and "why do boys have to be so cute? and so fucking mysterious? and never around? and never knocking on my door at the right times (like right now)?" three years ago today: "I keep imagining some day some guy and I are going to get in a huge fight, and he's going to point out all my downfalls and I'll tell him why he sucks and we'll be screaming and throwing things and then we'll break down and say we love each other despite." and "Normally, you can tell how a movie's going to be by it's previews."