i called jessica last night and had absolutely nothing to say to her. i guess it was contagious, because she had nothing to say to me. it was an entirely unnecessary conversation, but i'm glad it happened because i like to know my friends are still alive.
i always assume suzzi(not that one)'s dead because she never picks up her phone, but every once in a while her cell will speeddial my number while being jostled around in her bag and i'll hear her laugh and think, "suzzi lives!"
i tend to make the mistake that people give a fuck about me. it's a stupid mistake, because i don't give a fuck about most people, but then every once in a while i'll think i have a new friend and a few weeks later i'm duped again. i'm not nearly jaded enough.
i don't care so much that he slept with someone else. i mean, whatever. he derived no pleasure from it (if she fucks like she kisses, anyway) so all he really got from it was a black eye (heh). the thing i can't fucking get over is that fact that i was such a fool. i can handle the heartache, but the humiliation is too much to bear.
i miss ben, even if he's one of those friends who didn't give a fuck about me.
i hate being sad. i fucking hate it. i hate crying over disney movies and john irving novels. (i hate john irving period.) i hate being surrounded by beauty and being so saddened by it because it'll never be just beautiful and simple again ... there will be a memory attached, and it will always be a painful memory because it's the past and it's over and all i have now is the present.
my therapist from redding was really proud of me when i said that all we have is the present so why give a fuck about the past and future. that truth, perhaps, is the saddest thing of all. i wish now could be enough.
i drank half a bottle of cheap red wine on greenlake yesterday and had a conversation that was mostly about sex (actually, it was probably all about sex and i'm just naive) and couldn't help but think of sarah (who no doubt has forgotten all about me, you cunt) galavanting around the bay area with her fucking boxed wine. if she's still down there when i move down there, we will have to enjoy a bottle of some gross vegan wine (gross only because vegan is gross) on that dock in benicia where nathan had his way with me (or was it the other way around?).
cheers, love.