yesterday was one of those fabulously productive days that are far too rare: in addition to kicking ass at work, i signed up for new car insurance ($400 less than 6 months ago! yay progressive!), got my car registered during lunch (now to figure out how to remove stripped and rusted screws from my current california license plates ... you know you want to loan me a wrench), bought my brother's plane tickets for my mum's wedding in june, and ordered a catalog from a culinary school for aaron. this is all stuff that had been on my list o shit to do for weeks upon weeks, and now it is done! hurrah!
after work, i ran home and bathed and chatted with michelle and took my sweet time making myself look utterly gorgeous, for last night aaron and i were invited to the ultra-exclusive celebration of his coworker's 52nd birthday at the ultra-gay bar 'blu' in capital hill. he looked great, i looked great, and we walk in and ... it's just weird. not the gay bar, not cher's last concert all over the flat screen tvs, not the very empty ladies' room -- the fact that we were in a bar and everyone around us was smashed and we were not.
it sucked.
i wish i could have had just one gin and tonic, but that would have made it even more weird for him. i wish i were outgoing enough to be able to have a good time in that sort of situation without alcohol, but i'm not. i wish aaron didn't become super asshole when he drank, but he does.
but oh well. we left and went to the epitome of seattle: the bauhaus coffee house. sitting on the second level, looking down at the ever-wet sidewalk, gazing through the fog at the space needle, surrounded by laptops and pseudo-intellectual conversation ... yes, this is what seattle's all about.
we talked about how sometimes i feel like i'm supporting him too much, but how when i was at the point in my life during which i had tons of things i wanted to do but had no idea where to start, it was really nice having someone there (my mum) to baby-step me through the growing up process.
but then i feel like the only way to make him stay committed is by treating him like shit, because he's hypothesized that the reason he cheated is because he felt like i had too much control over him.
i dunno. the whole situation terrifies me, and i should get out while i still can.
but then we have nights like last night during which everything just feels Perfect and Nice and Happy and Comfortable. how long will that last?
i hate relationships. i hate the uncertainty, the inevitable betrayal, the pointless lies, the bitter truths, the extreme happiness followed by the deepest sadness, the confusion, and the general, all-around poopiness.
but then, it's nice to have a steady fuck.