he watched me sleep again last night. i set my alarm for midnight in case i fell asleep, but when it went off i was far too cozy to move. he played with my hair and kissed my face and woke me up when he thought i was having a nightmare while i stayed curled up right next to him.
his mom sent him $60 in whole foods gift certificates so we went to the store and bought enough food to last him until his paycheck next week. he refused to eat unless i did, and he's lost more weight than i have, so i had to. we had vegetarian nachos, even though neither of us are anything close to vegetarian, and they were so good but made me feel disgusting.
we talked about the issues i have with my mum, how the only thing that ever warrants praise is if i lose weight. that's not entirely true, i know she's proud of everything i've done and how i'm completely taking care of myself at age 19, but it feels that way a lot. i'm getting those twinges...lying down in bed and being disgusted when i'm curled up in a ball because i can feel my belly against my legs, looking at food and thinking only of how great my clothes looked on me last week. it doesn't help when people say, "morgan! you look so amazing! and it only took a week [of starvation]!" i look good but i feel like complete and utter shit. i'd finally gotten to the point at which i felt cute and sexy and unfat with a belly and now, disgust.
he said now that he hasn't been drinking he keeps having all these flashbacks. like, he remembers what happened the first night they slept together: both of them drunk as all hell, she put her hand on his leg and started feeling him up and asked if he wanted to have sex. he says he said no, but she said just real quick. so he says he put on a condom and tried for 2 minutes but it was disgusting so he got off and went outside and freaked out.
she says he put his arm around her, kissed her neck, and then kissed her on the lips, and then they had sex.
who the motherfuck knows. after he told me that, i was absolutely consumed with depression, really fucking confused, not knowing who to believe, wondering if i really needed to know. i believe that she wanted to sabotage the relationship and step in as the girlfriend because she's a pathetic sack of shit. i believe he's an alcoholic who wouldn't have done this if he weren't so stupid drunk.
the second time, she says they had sex in my car. he says they just made out.
i mean, either way it's bullshit. but there's no fucking way you can have sex in my car -- have i mentioned this? it's a fucking tercel, and they're both tall people. it's simply not physically possible.
he asked me last night if i wanted him out of my life. and i told him about the conversation with sanam, how i didn't know if i had a choice. he's the one who's making me feel like shit, but he's the one who's making me feel better. at whole foods, i skimmed through an article in psychology today about christina ricci in prozac nation (which i think is going to be a whole lotta bullshit, but we'll see) and one of the pulled quotes was, "the hardest thing about depression is that if you don't have it, you don't understand it." and he does, to a certain extent. and i don't have any friends in the area who do. the ones i feel comfortable talking to are rarely available. i thought about life without him, and it made both of us start crying. i hate him for what he did to me but i love him for what he's done for me. and everyone's going to say this is bullshit, but he's changed a lot in the 2 weeks he hasn't been drinking. and he's paying me back and not asking for cigarettes or money.
everyone in his life, even his skinhead friends in illinois, has asked him at one time or another to quit drinking. i'm the first person who he's been willing to do this for. which is why it's doomed: he's not quitting drinking for himself, he's quitting drinking to get me back. i'll never go back to him, officially. but i'm hanging around to see if he can really do this, and if he can, then somehow that will make up for my father's lack of will power.
i dunno. it makes sense to me.
there are a lot of shitty people in this world. i think i've met more than my fair share. o world, deliver unto me happiness.