he called me at 6 this morning so i picked him up at the 5 point and took him home and we fell asleep.
my back hurt for some reason, i needed a bed.
i woke up at 10am and started wondering what would have happened if i'd walked in on them. i woke him up and asked him what he thought might have happened. he said he would have taken a shotgun to his head at that moment.
i needed to make him feel worse.
i told him that i can only be his friend, but he'll have to go through my heartbreaks with me as each boy comes and goes. except, there won't be any heartbreaks because i'll just go back into my old routine of one night stands. and the next morning, i'll call him and tell him exactly what happened.
he starts crying, so i continue.
you'll have to think of me lying there, stagnant, while all the boys of seattle take advantage of my vulnerability. does that hurt you? it doesn't hurt half as much as what you did to me.
he keeps crying so i lie there as he tries to hold me.
he grabs an unopened bottle of nyquil and downs the whole thing and starts shaking.
you say you want to change, that you'll do anything to have me back, but you're not off to a very good start. dearest. you say you'll sober up but i picked you up from a bar. love. you'll do anything to make my pain stop, but if you really loved me and weren't quite so selfish you'd let me go, please, for the love of anything, just let me go and get out of my life.
i tell him he has to get up and throw up. his eyes are closed and he's not responding so i slap his face. i start crying and pushing him out of bed so he can throw up. finally, he does.
he's still shaking and i have to help him back into bed but he's so cold so i tell him to think of the first time he told me he loved me. we were lying on the floor in my shitty apartment and i had my arms around him and he was staring at the ceiling and my eyes were closed, my forehead against his shoulder, and he said, "i dont' want to tell you this, i don't want to scare you away, but i'm in love with you." and i cried and shook and he held me and it was the scariest thing i've ever done when i told him i loved him and meant it. remember that first meal you cooked me? the crab-pasta thing that was so unbelievably good and i was so impressed. remember we went to see the two towers and you said you can't believe you waited a year for this and i asked why you didn't just read the books and it was so funny? and i hold him and kiss his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, until he falls asleep and i kiss him on the lips twice and he responds the second time and whispers, "i love you" and "i can't do this without you, there's nothing without you."
he took my razor yesterday when i tried to cut but he didn't hide it very well. "i loved you" on the right leg. "lies" on the left.