i am weak. i went over to his house today.
the original plan was to return his shirt, but i forgot it. but i remembered to bring my eyebrow razor (cutting utensil of choice) and decided to make him watch me carve "betrayal" on my other leg. got there at 11am. left at 9pm. talked and cried and yelled and held each other and cried and talked some more.
i agreed to be his friend. he said that's the only thing that will give him the strength to change. to go to aa with his roommate. to be a better person. to change everything for me.
i told him, you're problem is you need everyone else but you never need yourself. you've never loved yourself. and that's why you never loved me: you're incapable of it. you need a year by yourself and two years of not drinking a sip.
the problem with alcoholism, besides the obvious involving dependency, is that when you become one, you stop growing emotionally. so you're 21, but you're as mature as a 16-year-old.
we were lying down and looking at each other and i said, "i hope i don't regret this, but i need to make love to you." so we did. and it was. amazing.
i don't regret it. even abu (yes, real name) said breakup sex is a good idea.
and then we fell asleep in each other's arms, for old times' sake, and it was so nice. and natural. and perfect.
...for the last time...
and then we went to jack in the crack and i dropped him off at work and he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me and i told him to call me when he gets off work at 5am if he can't do anything but drink.
he cried about how he'd taken me so for granted, how i was everything to him but he never treated me that way. did i know that i'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him?
i never knew that.
i don't believe he'll change. i'm not going to be that naive.
but i'm not going to lie to myself and say that i don't love him. i'm not going to say that when he called 10 minutes ago to wish me sweet dreams it wasn't nice. i'm not going to insist that when we woke up after our nap and i asked him what he dreamed about and he said he couldn't remember but he'll say that he dreamt about searching for the most beautiful eyes in the world and then he woke up and there they were didn't make me want to forget what he did to me.
i told him there was a chance, and maybe i'm a nice person because of it, or maybe i'm a horrid person, because there is no chance in hell i'll ever be his girlfriend again. no amount of personal growth can make up for what he did to me, for how he treated me, the whole time saying he was going to change. i don't believe he'll sober up. i don't believe he'll be a better person, someone ever good enough me.
i can forgive him but not her and i cannot forget but i can be there for him, not just because i love(d) him, not just because there's no one else, not just because he knows me better than anyone and knows just how to make me laugh, cry, and come in an hour's time, not just because i want to show everyone else the glimmer of fabulousness i saw in this boy, but because the only reason any of us are here is to make each other happy and that's what i do for him.
maybe...i dunno, maybe that makes me strong.