well, some of you will be happy to know that aaron and i are almost over.
which is very, very depressing.
but here is why this is happening:
on saturday, when we were fighting again about what happened on friday, he changed his whole story from "i needed some time alone to realize how much i would miss you" to "i didn't want to deal with you." which is the worst thing anyone could ever say to me. so i burst into tears and start gathering up my stuff to leave, and he gets down on his knees and pins me to the wall and insists i forgive him and says he'll try harder and he won't say things that will hurt me. i start telling him that maybe this isn't working because there's only so much you can compromise, and if you have to manipulate your thoughts to make me happy then that's a sign something's wrong. we drop it.
this is a lot more superficial, but it didn't help after everything that had already happened. we're lying in bed and i'm telling him how my mom once told me not to woryr about my legs because "they've always been like that [like what?!]." so he says, "well, uh, your belly could use some work."
disgust. hate. scorn. pain. hurt. fuck. you.
he doesn't treat me very well, and he never has. everyone's been telling me i deserve better, and i do. he makes me incredibly happy sometimes, but he hurts me way too much to make this worth it. it's not me, it's him.
oh god. i'm so depressed. i love him a lot a lot and he loves me some and this is day three of Killer Period Migraine and nothing makes sense and i can't break up with him until next week because we're going to redding on thursday and maybe we just need some time apart but how can that be when i'm so miserable without him and he just called my cell phone during his break and he's going to call me later during another break not because he can and wants to but because he should to make me happy. how can he go from saying, "i miss you so much, we never really hang out just us anymore, haven't you noticed how i call you everyday from work and i'm so happy to see you at the end of the day?" to "i don't want to deal with you, why do you have to ruin this, i needed some time alone god dammit, how many couples do you know that spend every fucking minute together, think about it." i didn't mind if he didn't. he never told me he minded. i thought that's what he wanted. i need to break down right now. i need to cry and i can't because i only have 20 more minutes left in my lunch break and besides that, joanna's here and i dont' fucking want to have to explain to her. i can't wait to move to san francisco, especially since it apparently will just be me starting over. again. why can't it just be perfect? why does this have to be so hard? why can't i have anyone here to talk to who will just listen and understand and not be all like, toldja so and you deserve better and he wasn't good enough for you and this is great, now we can hang out all the time. i don't want better. i want aaron. except apparently, i want aaron to be someone he's not. which is not fair to anyone.