stream of consciousness from a few nights ago:
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so what if my friends say you're a loser the dumbest person she's ever met i can appreciate the situation from the insider's perspective and i know how it seems from the outside and i love you, friend, but maybe i'm happy? and maybe he's just here but in any event (!) i love you, dear, and i may be digging myself into an inescapable hole but i'm not digging, love, i'm escaping from the cell in which i have imprisoned myself for far too long. you can worry about me all you want, my beloved best friend (who has yet to make the mistakes that others have made), but in the end, you must realize that, while i appreciate your worry that comes from a place embedded in love, i know what i'm doing and i do deserve better - perhaps not deserve, because in this life, my life, nothing is deserved, things just happen and if i can smile genuinely then perhaps, just maybe, that is all that matters. there is money, but wealth is only theory despite both of our fiscal-focused upbringings, and i like taking care of another and i like caring for another and it is what i've needed for so long and here it is and he loves me and i love him and, my love my dear my bestest friend, that is all i care about right now.
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perhaps a better update later today, but it's lunchtime. woot.