i really really really really don't want to, but i think i need to go on birth control again.
when i say i really don't want to, i mean i'd rather have an abortion than get back into the emotional pit of fiery hell that pills mercilessly toss me into.
fun: i was on tha pill for a good 8 months and i think i got laid maybe once. maybe. then i went off and whoomp, there it went.
last night i started crying -- not tearing, just sobbing -- after sex and i didn't know why but i think it's because aaron was very drunk and being kind of asshole-ish and it would have been ok but i didn't think he was that drunk and so he comes in from the bathroom and i'm facing the wall and he says what's wrong and i say i think i'm crying and he throws something at the door and starts crying and says you can't do this to me, we're going on three weeks here.
i couldn't really say why i was upset, so i said i was scared, which is true, and he says what do you want me to say? that i'm falling in love with you? that i really like you? that i don't know what i'd do without you?
well, yeah, that works.
maybe it was just a control thing. maybe i'm a vindictive bitch who's learning the depths of her control over you. maybe now i know how to make you do what i want.
i don't want that kind of control, baby. it scares me what i could do to you, and what you could do to me. i've never given this much of myself to anyone ever.
it's a good thing we're not breaking up because then you'd be out of a place to stay. but no, he could go stay with matt, that has nothing to do with anything.
quote of my life from my brother: why can't you just be NORMAL!??!
...he's said this in many different tones on many different occasions. sometimes he yells it, sometimes he pleads, sometimes he just says it, but he always ups the volume on the last word. exhasperation, perhaps. at least he cares enough about me to want me to not be me.
even with relationships, i can't just have a normal "do you like me check yes or no" beginning. it has to be, he shows up one weekend from out of town and i give him my number online and he calls and we hang out and he moves in.
and there's still, as always, an overshadow of misery and depression, but i am happy and the days go by that much faster knowing he's going to be there when i get home and being able to look into his eyes and kiss his forehead and make him happy is amazing.