my mother just called and quoted john lennon quoting someone else. the quote goes something like "life happens when you're busy making plans for something else." and she told me to have fun. and that i deserved a break. which helped.
then she told me to make the right decisions. like, stop smoking! look what happened to grandma neetz! (i think she had a stroke or a heart attack or both, a result of smoking the majority of their life.) and look at mama kelly. (family friend, dying of cancer of the esophogaus and it's probably in her lungs as well. my mom just went to visit her. she has no hair, due to chemo. she quit smoking 7 years ago, after smoking since high school. she's 44 and has, optimisically, 3 years to live, but probably only one.)
i'm going to go cry now. i haven't cried for a really long time, and now that i've finally released some of the depression somehow i'm able to release the other emotions. depression is so weird.