i'm scared that i'm losing control of everything.
every sensation is a welcome relief. every stub of the toe, every bang of the elbow, every bit of cigarette smoke in my eye, every cramp, everything.
i'm so tired. so goddamn tired. i don't want school anymore. i just want to work, sleep, read, and smoke. i'm not going to do summer classes. i need a break to see if i really care. because i don't right now.
i just dropped DA5, which would have been my release for the quarter. i can't handle it. i just need to do the bare minimum.
i don't want to talk to anyone. i want someone to reach into my head and pull out the thoughts and weed out the bad ones and organize the rest in order of importance and relevance and stick them back in. then i want a hug.
i want to know if i'll live to tell my story. i want to know if anyone cares. i want to know if this will be worth it 5, 10, 50 years from now.
i've given up on everything. i don't wear makeup anymore, put a hat on everyday despite the weather, and wear the same outfit for 3 days in a row. i've been wearing the same shoes for 3 weeks now. it's only the second week of school and already i've given up in 2 classes and only attend the third because i absolutely have to and it's at 1pm, so i'm awake already. i still have yet to attend one of my classes and have no idea how to get a syllabus.
i feel the panic rising in my chest and the dizziness comes and the heart starts racing and my vision gets blurry and i start rocking back and forth hearing every noise in amplification unable to breathe -- take a breath, morgan -- and i can't cry for the life of me. in the car driving home from work i tried to make a scenario in my head to make myself cry (i imagined my boyfriend of 2 years was breaking up with me the night my father had died) and i managed to get a few tears out but then i gave up. too much energy. i have none. i'm amazed i can even make it to work, let alone get through the day.