i'm writing this as an email to myself as diaryland is dissing me. sitting here, in redding, watching the oscars. my cat, sprawled in front of the fire. digesting chicken fried steak. getting ready to go out.
i'm home. i want to leave.
i told my mom about everything. smoking, cutting (well, almost everything), adam. she's glad i stood up for myself and didn't let people take advantage of me.
but a boy called my house today. i wasn't home yet. he didn't leave a message. i thought maybe itw as adam. i had my hopes up. i let myself go off on a limb again. it wasn't him. i just asked.
but then ... who was it? WHY DON'T PEOPLE LEAVE LKSDAJF;LKAWEJFL;KDSJ MESSAGES!?
i made out with nathan last night. well, there wasn' tmuch making out, just a lot of cuddling. he's grand. nathan is the boy who came with aaron when aaron came to visit sarah in santa barbara. i thought he was cute. he has sex appeal. apparently, he thought i was hot. that's what he told aaron who told sarah who told me. aaron thinks i'm frightening. but he ammended that statement last night when he said i was beautiful, frightening, dominating, and something else. someone not to mess with. yay. at the party at sarah's, with erin, christine, anne, josh, nathan, and aaron, i told nathan in a drunken stupor (4 beers, but it's the pot that did me in) that i heard what he thought of me and he said, "yeah, i think you're fine." fine? how 90s. i wish i could whistle. when i told him i was insulted by that (to be fine/hot is to be stereotypical and that's annoying) he said he was sorry and that i was beautiful. then i went around the table asking everyone if i was beautiful and everyone said yes and i'm so egocentric i could kill myself.
but i'm beautiful, dominating, hot, and frightening, so it's all good.
yeah, last night was serious, serious fun. nathan and i were sitting on a couch chatting and then we were kissing and then i went to the bathroom to throw up and then we watched the wizard of oz and he has his arm around me and we were cuddling and it was so very, very nice.
he had to leave at 3am to pick his brother up at the airport. when he left, he sat with me on the couch, hugged me, and said, when are you leaving for redding? i said tomorrow, but i'll be back on friday. he asked if he could see me. i said sure. then he kissed my forehead. then he kissed my lips (twice!). then he kissed my nose. then he hugged me and left.
it was all very, very cute. sarah gave it a 4 out of 5.
we left friday night for benicia at 9:30p. we made it to benicia at 3a. i left benicia at 1:30p today (sunday) and arrived in redding at 4p (impressive timing) and now i'm going to go hang out with esp and joanna.
the adam situation depresses me immensely. and who the motherfuck called? and why wasn't it him?
and i wrote this a few hours ago and a bit has happened since then. esp and i went to justin's and she got stoned and i couldn't no matter how hard i tried. and carlo!!! was there and that was really very exciting. he sold me two 8ths of shrooms and we're going to try to work something out where he sells shrooms in santa barbara through me. we'll see. morgan a drug dealer? esp suggested my dealer name could be bettie page. as in, "dude, you want some shrooms? talk to bettie page." hehehe.
i'm talking to adam online now. jgalkdjf;ldksajf;lakdjs;flkds. oh the drama. bleh. why do i have to care so much! why do i have to be so fucking vulnerable!
oh well, giant's on. liz taylor AND james dean? the bisexual inside me is ecstatic.