a beat called scratch?
12 March 2002 at 8:56 pm

i used to work with a girl named carly who loved to sneeze. i discovered this after i sneezed and said, "i hate sneezing." she responded with, "really? i LOVE to sneeze" much in the way aurora's mum said, "i LOVE laundry!" i asked her why and she said that she loves the release, which brings up the internal debate i've been having with myself for the past couple of years:

is it better to endure the agony of uncomfortable situations, knowing that when things get better you'll appreciate it more or would you rather be content, never experiencing the pain but never having that extreme joy?

i just spilled mandaring orange juice everywhere.

i think i've been holding onto the depression for a while because i'm afraid i'll forgot what it's like to be at the bottom and thus won't appreciate the happiness as much. but that doesn't make any sense because i'll never be happy if i continue to revel in my sadness.

and maybe that's why i'm such a slob. when i finally do clean my room, it's *that* much nicer.

adam calls this his chrysalis theory.

i have a big butt.

went to therapy today and we discussed how it would help me and how it helps people in general except i didn't listen to what she was saying on account of my headache and my worrying about missing my psychiatry appt this morning so i still don't know.

apathy in general is enjoyable. forced apathy is not. shut up, little voice of responsibility in my head.

i've decided that the reason i'm always late to everything is because i want to test people (those tests again) and see how dependable they are and how much they care if i'm around or not.

//you didn't understand why. thought about it all of the time. like a movie we played in my mind but her thoughts were something in rewind. in rewind, and i guess that's fine. and i guess that's fine. yesterday i thought i knew you...driving in your car..you didn't understand why. thought about it all of the time. like a movie we played in my mind but her thoughts were something in rewind.// yay poppy punk.

i don't like my brother. i don't like him as a person. he's self-centered and a fucking bastard, both literally and in slang terms. he's smart but jaded from drugs. i don't like the way i am when i'm around him. i talk at him; he's too busy thinking of himself to listen. he's not used to people listening, and doesn't care when i do.

//is there something more than what i've been handed? i've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer.//

i called esp tonight and we talked for a bit. it didn't really make me feel better because i'm just so blah. i'm not depressed anymore (yay zoloft) but there's nothing to replace the sadness.

i want to cut, to feel something.

emily knows who phantom planet is and that's not fair. phantom planet's my band; no one else can enjoy them. grr.

i don't want to have obligations. i don't want to talk to anyone. i want to sleep and i want that to be alright. i want smoking to be good for me. i want food to be unnecessary. i want to be able to turn off my thoughts.

when i was talking to my brother last night he asked me if i ever saw him ending up on the streets. i said no and asked him what he wanted to do. he said the only things he's good at are drums, video games, and drawing. he has no clue. he's jealous of my aim. i think he's resentful towards me. it made me sad that my brother's such a fuckup, that he sees himself ending up on the streets. but what is success, really? //..to know that one life has breathed easier because you have lived...this is to have succeeded// via emerson.

there are 3 raccoons that wander around outside anne and christine's room at night and they named them ralph, waldo, and emerson.

this is a long entry.

i want to understand the economy. i want to have more than $84.82 to my name. i want the ability to freeze time, via evie on out of the world. imagine waking up in the morning, 2 minutes before your first class, and freezing time for a couple more hours of sleep. get up, wander around for a bit, take your time showering and such, and meander into class. that would be nice.

//i got a chocolate bar. i got a quarter. i got 5 pieces of candy. what did you get charlie brown?

i got a rock.//

i have to feel something. i have to feel something besides this nothing. i have to feel something besides these thoughts in my head. i'm in therapy now; i'm on drugs now; it's ok. no more excuses.

why?

i dunno.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.