why?, i ask myself sometimes
06 February 2002 at 12:56 am

the worst thing -- well, maybe not the worst, but a bad thing -- about being sad is when people try to make you feel better by pointing out the big things that's aren't shit in my life.

"how are you doing?"

"shitty."

"are you pregnant?"

"no."

"are you homeless?"

"don't start with the 'it's not that bad' shit."

...is the conversation i just had outside. and it really pissed me off. the little things have been building up, but there are some big things that i'm not going to discuss with some random girls i don't know very well.

"well, you know, i have childhood issues with the fact that i got molested for a few years. my alcoholic father kind of fucked me up, too. while i have a lot of friends, none of the can help me with the chemical imbalance going on in my head right now. they also can't stop my uterus from bleeding for 3 weeks a month. and, you know, having gotten no physical affection for the past year isn't the greatest. the ticket i got this sunday didn't add to anything. i find solace in nothing, but continue to search for it via food, exercise, smoking, and drinking. but, hey, you're right. i have no right to complain. at least i have you telling me this."

maybe it's just me, but the "at leasts" of life don't help at all.

if there's one thing my brother's taught me, it's don't trust people. even when you don't think they're listening, they can use that shit against you.

they were pissing me off so i told them the least of my problems (my shopping story today), just to mess with them.

i can't decide if it's more fun messing with people who know they're being fucked with or if it's more fun with people who don't have any clue.

i'm going to pretend it's the people who don't have any clue, just to make myself feel better.

another thing i learned from my brother: when worse comes to worse, fuck with their minds.

a genius at work, i'm sure.

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About me
Hi. Morgan, 27, of Santa Barbara, CA. I am a hypocritical admirer of rhetoric (when it is my own) and an observer of literary trends. A secret: I don't take anything very seriously, and that includes myself.