i went to the beach tonight after helping the girl move her room around and we were listening to sad romantic songs and i helped her set up her shrine to her boyfriend and it was all very depressing. not because of the whole boyfriend thing, but because i'm so lonely in general. i haven't found a connection with anyone. so yeah, repeating myself: i went to the beach and it didn't help at all. i had my infinite mix and played boys on the radio over and over and it still didn't help. but that is a marvelous song. i kept getting this cramp in my tum from tears i couldn't quite cry. as i was getting ready to walk back, i saw a couple sit down on top of the stairs and i was like, great. i decided to wait it out, but they didn't leave and i was shivering so i finally just left (i must rid myself of this social anxiety) and as i was walking up the stairs they saw me and moved and didn't acknowledge me at all even though i smiled and was going to say "hello" or something. nice is overrated anyway.
i have realized something. i have become a fake laugher. this depresses me immensely.
i really hate it here. i don't really know why. maybe i just hate it everywhere. maybe there's just nowhere i'll be happy. i got sad today thinking about how i hate the way my mind works. joanna was saying how we have similar minds and in a different conversation how she likes being different but i hate it. my mind is far too hypocritical and difficult and it doesn't make any sense at all.
sure, i have people to hang out with. they're fun and whatnot. they're nice. but when i came back from the beach, my roommate said, "did you have fun guess what!" without even giving me a second to throw in a response. and guess what? her cell phone gets reception from her bunk.
i don't know why i expect things from other people that i don't really provide myself.
i have a new screenname and you should im me: theglitterfades0
marvelous.