a few notes from last night's manic journal writing in the hall:
// Why does everyone think Christmas trees are so great? Really, they got fucked. At the prime of their lives, they get chopped down, whereas the uglier trees get to enjoy many seasons. I dont' know which I'd prefer to be - adored for my 15 minutes and then cut in half and thrown on the curb or long-lasting and stable. I think i'd rather be enjoyed for my reliability than my superficial and now-commercial symbolism. Which bring me to my next point: I hate the holidays. Thanksgiving. Thanks for another shitty year. Christmas - dont' celebrate and have nothing better to do since nothing's opened. My birthday: lost in the hustle and bustle of Xmas and who wants the specialized attention anyway? The only good thing about this year is that I'll be able ot smoke without relying on other people. I hate relying on other people -- mostly because they're so unreliable. Also, I miss my bitch, cynical schtik. I had something -- an edge. And I've lost it. Here, I'm just aother one in the crowd. What made me special at madeira? I think it was my bluntness -- honesty is desired by many but delivered by few. It's shocking and oddly fresh. True honesty. None of this, "No, you odn't look fat, but this looks better on you." Straight up "Hey, that looks shitty." Muha. I wasn't happy with that, but I was comfortable with it. Am I being ridiculous? I'd be nice to have someone here to talk to about this. Alas, anon. Again, i don't think i'm using that term correctly. whatever. my horoscopes this week were promising: my pheromones are at an all-time high and i should stop being so serious and be a little foolish with love. hm.
...
just remembered something sarah said: "it's amazing how much you wear your interior on your sleeve." yeah! and what the hell is wrong with that! what's wrong wiht people knowing what's going on inside my head! fuck, if i'm having a bad day -- fuck all yall. I'M HAVING A BAD DAY! i don't play fucking games - THIS is how i'm feeling and SO THERE!
...
this is what i am loved for: I am bitter, pissy, and i have Things To Say about Everything and You Will Hear Them. if you've got something to say, just fucking say it. dont' wait for me to ask because i'm not fucking going to. can't handle me? then get the fuck out of my way. i've got places to go. i've got someone to be. piss off.//
i think i need to stop writing in my journal past 2am.
my da60 discussion was cancelled today, so no classes for morgan! hurrah! and zach might come to the show tonight, but considering my track record with boys from my hometown, i'm not counting on it. no matter.
i will now finish packing and such. have a glorious break, eat way too much but don't throw up because that's gross, and feel free to sign the guestbook while i'm away.