it's so wonderful having friends. they can take shitty days and just make you laugh and smile and realize life is shitty but there are still cool people in the world, even if none of them live in my hall. and talking to esp made me realize that i really need to start being the bitch that i am.
i started crying in the lounge today because i was rereading my other diary and thinking about all the shit i've been through and how i've come sooo close sooo many times to swallowing that bottle of pills or cutting that extra centimeter and how no one here understands that. i mean, i was crying in a public place that people walk by every day and No One Noticed. This is why I hate it here. It goes beyond just being an unsupportive environment; it's downright mean and uncaring. I so had this coming karma-wise, but shit! why here, why now? gr. some things i wrote in my journal that i found amusing:
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You know what would be really ironic and exciting? Death by Prozac. I would really, really enjoy that.
Really really.
Maybe that�s all I have to say. Goodbye for now.
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and
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More, I suppose. It would also be amusing to starve myself until I�m down to 115 pounds, and then kill myself with a note that reads:
�Look, I can be skinny and unhappy too. Haha!�
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and
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Death should be funny. I mean, it�s so inevitable. It�s the one reliable thing in my life. I know death is coming, whether I cause it or it causes itself. Perhaps that�s why I�m so obsessed with it tonight. Instead of WRITING MY GODDAMN PHILOSOPHY PAPER URGHDF;KLAJLGKKDLAJF.
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I wish I could just be Happy Fun Me all the time, instead of being Bitter Depressed Me. And if I don't keep up the facade of Everything's Peachy Me, I'll have no friends because who wants to deal with Whiny Bitchy Me when they don't know that there is a Sunshine in here somewhere?
(Sunshine used to be my nickname. Sunshine. It was part sarcastic, because I've always been cynical, but I used to be the bright point of someone's day. I used to be enjoyable, dammit!)
But yay for friends.
And yay for matt from slutmagnet for randomly finding this and emailing me. That made my day.