I have got to stop reading my mom's email, but she was reading someone from her boyfriend (!) and she was laughing, so I wanted to see what was so funny. It was something political so I didn't bother to read it all the way through, but I did, erm, skim through the rest of them and --
they're in love...??...!!.....
I'm kind of happy? for my mom. and kind of upset and she just said that this was the guy she was "seeing" and ooh, my ok day just went to shit. well, technically it's tomorrow and my horoscope said that thursday would go from terrible to terrific, so I only have to wait 24 more hours to see how this turns out. maybe I'll try talking to her on the way down to Santa Barbara...."So, tell me exactly what is going on in this relationship." She'd want me to tell her if I had a boy! And I probably would! If nothing else, I'd talk to her to have reasonable and wise advice. Why can't she talk to me? If she doesn't want me to resent this guy, she's not doing a good job. I resent him for taking my mother's attention away from me. I resent him for being a better person than my father is -- oh god, I'm crying now. I resent him, period.
But my mom deserves this, right? After all that she's been through? Why couldn't it have waited a few more months until I'm out of the house and living my own life? Why? Whyyyyy?
The bright side (I'm really trying here -- we all know how much I love the bright side) is that I don't feel as bad doing all the shit I'm doing to myself. Birth control pills, pot, theft (ok, candy from Winco...is that so bad? I always buy something else when I'm there, but when you only want a few gummi bears what's the point in paying? rhetorical~) -- it's my selfish, attention-needing ways. Giving her reason to worry, to pay attention to ME!
GOD DAMMIT!!!!! My therapist was right. I haven't had more than a few months of my mom's attention just for me since I've been a teenager. After 8th grade, in which my parents got divorced, I went to boarding school (my choice, and a damn good one). After 10th grade I came home and she was dealing with Matt's drug stuff. Once 11th grade started, we had 2 foreign exchange students (1 for each semester). Then, 12th grade was Matt's cancer. And right when we were getting along great, this happens. I think it would be at least slightly better if she would be honest with me about the situation and not sugarcoat it, because then I find out that it's a bigger deal than I previously thought and I feel duped.
I can feel myself slipping back into the utter depression that defined my senior year. Great time to go to orientation.
Fuck. You know, yeah, it could be a lot worse, but it could be a hell of a lot better. And right before I start my period....gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Leave me messages of support, PLEASE! I'll need them when I get back on Sunday.