Subj: travis Date: 1/7/2001 11:21:21 PM Pacific Standard Time From: Kute Koala To: Kute Koala Kute Koala [9:30 PM]: hey TravKlein [9:30 PM]: hi Kute Koala [9:31 PM]: do you hate me? because i would hate me. i'm sorry. TravKlein [9:32 PM]: don't feel bad, i predicted practically the whole conversation before hand, at least i knew what was coming TravKlein [9:32 PM]: i guess i just still don't understand why Kute Koala [9:32 PM]: in short, i'm very, very screwed up and i have issues. Kute Koala [9:33 PM]: which isn't very descriptive TravKlein [9:33 PM]: but don't you think it would be easier to deal with them if you had someone there to talk about them? Kute Koala [9:34 PM]: um. probably. TravKlein [9:35 PM]: so there must be some other reason Kute Koala [9:38 PM]: there's not, though. that's the thing. i have so many fears that i think i'd rather get through myself than throw them onto some other person TravKlein [9:48 PM]: so would there be any point in hoping that one day we might get together, or would that just be a total waste of my time? TravKlein [9:48 PM]: honestly Kute Koala [9:50 PM]: honestly, i don't know. because i appreciate you as a person and i think it'd be a good idea to be friends and if nothing happens, at least we have that. unless all you want is a relationship. and i don't want anything too long term because i'm leaving in a few months anyway TravKlein [10:02 PM]: well, i would really like it if we had a relationship, but it's not like i wouldn't want to be friends' with you if we didn't. cause i think you're a really good person to be friends with, and i wouln't want to throw that away if you didn't feel right about dating. but on the other hand, if we didn't get together, i don't think our friendship would be the same after we had already sorta been together. TravKlein [10:05 PM]: however, the last time somebody told me that it wasn't me it was them, it was just a nice way of saying that they never wanted to speak to me again, but i want to believe that it's not the same with you TravKlein [10:06 PM]: and when that did happen before, i did believe them, but it ended up hurting me more when i found out it wasn't true Kute Koala [10:10 PM]: i don't think it'd be the same either, but sometimes that's a better thing. i genuinely want to be friends. i wouldn't be talking to you now if i didn't. and i hate myself already for hurting you, and if i ended up hurting you again i'd be throughly pissed with myself. i want a relationship with you. i just don't want a romantic relationship. right now. TravKlein [10:11 PM]: but will you ever? Kute Koala [10:12 PM]: i dunno! i can't predict the future! my moods change in minutes, who knows about my feelings. Kute Koala [10:12 PM]: i have a question Kute Koala [10:13 PM]: 2, actually. how did you feel about me yesterday and how do you feel about me right now? TravKlein [10:17 PM]: well yesterday (before you called, cause i knew what was going to happen when you did), i really had feelings for you, and i thought that we had something going between us that would last long, and now, i dunno. i guess i'm upset with you cause i think that you should deal with your problems with somebody, and not on your own. i mean, when i was having problems with my friends, and i still do, when i talked about it with you, they didn't seem as bad, and i wasn't so depressed. but i still have feelings for you, and i probably always will. TravKlein [10:18 PM]: you're not like any girl i've ever met. i can get along with you really well, yet i still have strong feelings for you, i've never had that before Kute Koala [10:26 PM]: so i felt horrible before but now i just feel like utter shit. i think i should deal with my issues with someone but i can't start with that now because...i dunno, i guess i have a bunch of other stuff going on and i've put it off for 4 years and i can ignore them for another 4. i'm only 17, i feel like i'm too young to be worrying about it. so it's timing. i guess. and you'll get over me. i'm fairly typical. TravKlein [10:28 PM]: then i guess i still don't understand, if you can put off your problems for another 4 years, then why can't we be more than friends, cause according to you that's the reason we won't TravKlein [10:29 PM]: unless there is still another reason you've neglected to say Kute Koala [10:30 PM]: because breaking up in 4 months is going to suck more than stopping things before they get too serious Kute Koala [10:30 PM]: the only other reason i can think of is because i'm selfish and i'd rather hurt other people before i get hurt TravKlein [10:32 PM]: ok, but at least there'd be a logical reason to break up when you leave Kute Koala [10:34 PM]: but i'd be thoroughly heartbreaking and painful and bad and why do i want to put myself through that? TravKlein [10:36 PM]: but at least you wouldn't have to wonder all that time what we could've been like together, and how do you know we'd even last that long, what if things didn't work out? you'd never know unless you at least tried. and it's not like you'd be the only one who would be heartbroken Kute Koala [10:41 PM]: ok, so 8 months from now, if we get together and last that long, we'd have to break up cause i'd move away and that woudl be horrible. but what i want to do is start out as friends without any pressure because we kind of rushed into things a little bit. TravKlein [10:51 PM]: ok, i do agree with you that we did rush into things, and i do agree that it would be horrible that we would have to break up after such a long time together. but i still think that being together for those 8 months would be better than not. i mean if you dont' agree with me that's fine, and i probably won't be able to change your mind, but that's what i think TravKlein [10:53 PM]: i also think that you being away for a week will be a good thing for both of us, cause then we will probably know for sure what we feel for each other TravKlein [10:53 PM]: if you don't already Kute Koala [10:53 PM]: i don't already Kute Koala [10:54 PM]: ok. so i'll call you sometime this weekend and we'll talk about things then. Kute Koala [10:54 PM]: another thing you should know is that i don't know if i can be completely exclusive. TravKlein [10:55 PM]: what do you mean by that? Kute Koala [10:55 PM]: well, for example, when i go back to virginia i'm getting together with a boy i had a thing with sophomore year Kute Koala [10:56 PM]: and i'm too young to be fully, completely, 100% committed. TravKlein [11:03 PM]: ok, now i appreciate your honesty, but i still wish you hadn't of told me that, cause that just completely changed my feelings for you Kute Koala [11:05 PM]: i'm not a slut. i'm not a bad person. i'm selfish and i do what i want to do. i'm nothing if not honest. this boy in virginia is very important to me. changed your feelings in a never talk to this girl again way or what? TravKlein [11:07 PM]: well common, you flat out told me that if we got together, you'd cheat on me when you went back there. that's just messed up. i mean i'd still talk to you, but i dont think i could have a relationship with you knowing that you were going to cheat on me. Kute Koala [11:07 PM]: no Kute Koala [11:07 PM]: that's the thing, i wasn't going to cheat on you TravKlein [11:07 PM]: then what? Kute Koala [11:09 PM]: that's why i'm stopping things before they become a relationship. katie told me just to get with you and whatever happens in virginia you don't have to know about, but i care about you enough to not put you through that. i wasn't going to cheat on you because i didn't want things to get that serious that fast TravKlein [11:12 PM]: if you care about me enough to not put me through that, you wouldn't do it in the first place Kute Koala [11:13 PM]: but you don't understand my relationship with this boy in the first place TravKlein [11:13 PM]: no, i guess i don't Kute Koala [11:16 PM]: drew's, like, my fantasy. my ultimate male. and we kind of had a thing going, but then i got scared and stopped talking to him. and since then we've never had closure or anything, but we talk about each other through a mutual friend and when i go back there, i'm going to see him and see what happens. but the thing is, i wouldn't be putting you through anything because i would make the relationship clearly open like that. with the option to see other people. TravKlein [11:17 PM]: so basically you're putting me on "hold" Kute Koala [11:17 PM]: no Kute Koala [11:17 PM]: i'm trying to establish a friendship TravKlein [11:21 PM]: ok look, i don't think i want to talk about this anymore, cause it's just making me more and more upset. i mean the minute i find somebody i really like, it goes to shit and keeps getting worse and worse the more we talk about it. i knew it was too good to be true for me. for some reason relationships never work out for me. Kute Koala [11:22 PM]: it's killing me that you're upset, travis. because i care about you a lot, and i want you to be happy and i'm sorry i can't help you with that. TravKlein [11:24 PM]: well i'm sorry that you're upset, but i think i'm going to go to bed now, if i can sleep. have fun skiing. Kute Koala [11:24 PM]: i'm going to call you when i get back, ok? TravKlein [11:24 PM]: i guess, if you want Kute Koala [11:24 PM]: and we'll get together and we'll talk about things and maybe we'll work something out TravKlein [11:25 PM]: maybe Kute Koala [11:25 PM]: chug some nyquil and sleep it off. Kute Koala [11:25 PM]: don't hate me. TravKlein [11:25 PM]: if we had any... TravKlein [11:25 PM]: i don't know what to think at this point Kute Koala [11:25 PM]: then drink warm milk or watch something mindnumbing Kute Koala [11:26 PM]: i care about you, travis. i honestly do. and i wish things could work out, but right now, this week, they can't. TravKlein [11:26 PM]: k TravKlein [11:27 PM]: night Kute Koala [11:28 PM]: night